In the throes of my despair, I am the only one.  I feel like I am falling of a precipice of the self that has been eroded by a million thoughts that drag me down. There’s the underlying theme of disappointment both in myself and by others in myself.  How did this happen?  I have almost everything a person could want and much more than most. Poverty of this kind has nothing to do with money.

I know that it’s the thoughts I think and the beliefs that underlay them that fuel my daily struggle: I hate myself. I am full of resentment and bitterness – the stories I tell myself –and hate myself more for not being able to overcome them. Sometimes, I live moment to moment, breathing to remind myself it’s the only thing between life and death, but I don’t think this is what they meant in yoga. I’m moving time along just waiting until I can go to sleep and get relief from my hateful thoughts. I’d be worried, if I hadn’t spent my whole life like this.

There’s hardly room to breathe in my home occupied by my larger than life husband who says he’s only trying to make me happy. How can I possibly complain – it’s all for me, apparently. A suffocating marriage.  I put it into context (“first world problems”) and I tell myself I could do worse.  And then I read this:

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/jeanpaul-bedard/presence-of-absence_b_14557836.html

So when I read this article I took from it the word resilience and the spirit of coming back from despair. Can I escape this hell? How do I make sense of my life that will allow me to get past it? I offer a prayer to the god of hopeless cases. Peace of mind is what I ask for.

 

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